I want to thank Dr David Williams, my mentor and friend and the man who officiated the wedding for Emily and I almost nineteen years ago for planting in me a catalyst that would undo my selfish ideas of marriage when he challenged us to model our life and marriage on the cross and the sacrificial love of Jesus. I am fairly certain if not for the formative words at our ceremony Emily and I may have become just another statistic.
When I coach couples preparing for marriage or officiate their wedding ceremonies, I always ask, “Why are you getting married?” The answers often revolve around love or friendship. However, these reasons, while heartfelt, can be rooted in the self-centeredness prevalent in today’s society. If you fall in love, what’s to stop you from falling out of love? And what happens if you find a new best friend?
Human emotions are fickle, and our modern view of love often reduces it to mere feelings. Many see marriage as a contract: you meet my needs, and I’ll meet yours. But if my needs aren’t met, I’ll trade you in for a newer model. If these aren’t the best reasons for Christians to marry, what is a valid reason to get married? And what does it mean for marriage to be a witness?
I believe, and it is the central tenet of my marriage, that marriage is God’s best tool to shape our lives into a cruciform life, one shaped by the cross of Christ. This idea may sound absurd or even outlandish, but Christian marriage is an institution ordained by God to reflect the sacrificial love of Christ.
In Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul outlines what a Christian marriage should look like when it is governed by the Spirit. Unfortunately, many pastors and leaders start reading this passage at verse 22, which changes its intent. They often separate it from the broader context of God’s plan to demonstrate His great love and power of reconciliation. The evidence of this reconciliation is a life ruled by the Spirit. When Paul says in verse 21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” he refers to the previous chapters that highlight God’s grand plan summed up in Christ and His great love for us. This gives new meaning to verses 22-33.
To understand this sacrificial love, we must also look at Philippians 2:5-11. If we are to witness Christ’s love to the world, we must embody a different kind of love—one focused on the other, not based on feelings, but founded on being loved first and formed by the words, “till death do you part.” A Christian marriage will last only if you are schooled in the love of Jesus. This love requires humble and open hearts. Jealousy and self-importance will constantly try to edge their way in, but love will overcome because it is “neither arrogant nor rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.”
When we are at the center of our universe, it is easy to make marriage about our needs. Here, our natural tendencies for self-fulfillment and selfishness will fight to gain the upper hand. We must learn to forgive and love even when we feel we can’t. In marriage, you discover daily that your partner is not perfect. You won’t always succeed in doing what you ought to do. Loving with the love of Jesus is a lifelong process. But as you forgive one another, confess your sins to one another, and live your lives together, you will proclaim to the world that redemption, forgiveness, and reconciliation are possible here and now through Jesus Christ.
The Bible does not speak of feelings of love for a spouse. We love because Christ first loved us. A Christian marriage is founded and centered on Christ’s love for a world desperately searching for love in all the wrong places. It models the virtues of the Christian life in full view of a watching world. However, the skills necessary to live such a life do not come naturally. They are not innate, deep within you, waiting to be coaxed out. They are, in fact, unnatural, and at times it will seem that everything you experience is against you. Because of this, it is essential to stay connected to a community of believers who share your love for Jesus Christ, who share your vision that one’s whole life is a proclamation of God, and who are committed to developing the skills necessary to be faithful servants of Jesus Christ. In communion with the saints, you will discover all that God has for you as a couple. It is in this communion that you will find the fullness of Christ available in this time and place.
In conclusion, a Christian marriage is one that is subordinated to the cross of Christ and the love of God. It is here that we find the freedom to submit to one another and show the greatness of God’s sacrificial love.