Shame: A painful feeling of regret, self-hate, and dishonor.
Shame is a universal emotion, yet men and women experience it in profoundly different ways. Brene Brown, a renowned researcher, initially focused on women’s experiences with shame. However, a pivotal moment after a book signing shifted her perspective. She was approached by a man who asked her why she didn’t study shame in men? This is what she has to say,
“For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn’t until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, “I love what say about shame, I’m curious why you didn’t mention men.” And I said, “I don’t study men.” And he said, “That’s convenient.” And I said, “Why?” And he said, “Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?” I said, “Yeah.” “They’d rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don’t tell me it’s from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else.”
This blog post is for men who have struggled or are currently struggling with feelings of isolation, loss of self, powerlessness, and other emotions tied to shame. The solution, I believe, is the same for both men and women, but you’ll need to read on to uncover the not-so-secret answer.
Shame can be likened to a dark shadow that slowly envelops every part of your mind and soul, turning everything into a dull, lifeless grey. Clients have described it as a crippling force that makes them hide their most vulnerable parts. When I think of shame, I picture the Marvel character Venom—a symbiot that takes over its host, rendering the person unrecognizable.
Reflect on your own experiences. When did you first feel the hollowness, the isolation, the sense that something was wrong with you? For me, two distinct moments stand out. At eight, my dad told my brother and me that he and my mom were divorcing. I wondered what I had done to make him leave. At ten, I was introduced to porn by my brother’s friends, feeling both excited and sickened, and a sense of powerlessness crept in.
The most devastating experience of shame for me occurred in seventh grade. I was an awkward kid, tall and thin, with a bad haircut. One day, three older boys wrapped me in packing tape while my “friends” laughed. A teacher eventually freed me, but something broke inside me that day. I vowed never to let it happen again and decided to become the guy everyone liked. Photos from before this period show a genuinely happy kid; afterward, I looked sad and lifeless.
Shame thrives in darkness, where there’s no power to create positive meaning. Without an empathetic witness, I internalized these events, believing I was fundamentally broken.
Shame tells you that you are bad, wrong, and broken. It whispers that you are unlovable and that if people really knew you, they would abandon you. It replaces the story of being God’s beloved child with one of being an orphan, competing for scraps of affection.
So, how do we begin to heal and bring wholeness where shame has left a void? The answer lies in COURAGE and VULNERABILITY. These virtues are practiced within a tribe of men fueled by purpose and mission. Being truly seen, heard, and valued is where freedom and peace for your soul begin. Find your tribe, let them into your darkness, and bring other men with you. “No man left behind” must become our rallying cry.
If COURAGE and VULNERABILITY are the beginning, then GRATITUDE, EMPATHY and SELFLESSNESS are the fuel that keeps the fire burning. Embrace gratitude for the life you can create and what you have walked through. Empathy and selflessness help you see that you are not alone; others are on this journey with you. Living in this sometimes uncomfortable space of courage, vulnerability, gratitude, empathy, and selflessness brings you to a place of truly knowing and believing that God loves you as you are.